Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
