How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
