I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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