My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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