I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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