i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
