Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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