Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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