I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
