Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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