tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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