hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
