You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
