WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I love having hate sex.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
