I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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