i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
