I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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