HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
And then my night got REAL pukey
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
