Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
