How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm jealous of your bromance
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
