I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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