i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
