i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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