They should really pass out barf bags in church
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
