i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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