matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
