Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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