my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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