Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
