Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
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He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
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Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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