i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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