based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
