Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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