Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
