My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
