you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
