I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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