Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
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the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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