What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Randomize
