Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
