Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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