so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
