My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
