I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
