My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
