I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
