I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
