I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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