The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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