i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
