so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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