Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
