8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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