Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
