i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
