Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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