My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
