I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
