She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Don't tell me you're on acid again
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
