from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
