i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
